Weak Damage !!Follow

This was written by one of high raiding warlocks on my realm,I just copied from forum boards,had a good laugh so why not share good read.Enjoy




WEAK DAMAGE!
A guide to Warlock DPS in The Burning Crusade by Lepakki – warlock extraordinaire.

Hello everyone, I'm Lepakki – warlock extraordinaire. I am the primary damage dealer in the best guild on Ahn'Qiraj, Guild of Doom.
Seeing as I am the superiour PvE-warlock on the server, I wanted to share with you some of the tricks and tips that have made me a role model for lesser warlocks across the realm.

First and foremost I must point out that even if you manage to attain an increased level of pwnage using this guide, you will never be as good as me. However I feel it is my obligation to inform you of your shortcomings in order for you to better yourselves, and this is something I will come back to later on.
The guide will focus on a couple of aspects paramount to the succsess of any warlock attempting to scale the ladder of admiration and recognition of any realm. Aspects such as gear, guild, girlfriend and what I've cleverly chosen to call ”game”. While these are big concepts, and might appear intimidating, or even frightening to the average scrub do not worry. I will explain it all for you in a second. I am going to type all of this out extra slowly, so that you have time to take in all of my knowledge in your own time.

And now....On with the show!*


PART ONE – Choosing your guild!

This is quite possibly the most important, and for some people, the hardest choice in WoW. There are many guilds offering a variety of activities. Some are so-called ”social” guilds. Beware of these at all costs, and avoid them like the plague. ”Social” is merely code for ”useless” or possibly ”crap” guilds, who under the pretense of having more important things to do never achieve real progress in any form of endgame PvE. Often they will try to lure you in with promises of something called ”IRL” or ”Insuficcient Raiding Level”. Steer clear! Remember – we're looking for the real thing.

A good way to find a guild is to hang around the mailbox in orgrimmar. Stand inside the bank and angle your camera outwards. This way you can target and inspect people without being seen! This has many advantages. Get an addon that breaks down your target's itemlevel to an average. If a player has a good average itemelevel, he is in a good guild and deserves your attention. Make a note of this players name and save it. When you have made a list players who have a high itemlevel, find out which guild they belong to. The guild with the most players of a high itemlevel is the best guild.

This is the guild for you! Speak with their members and obtain the names of officers. Memorise all the names of officers in the guild you're looking to join. Now you must watch the trade and LFG channels carefully. As soon as one of these players need assistance with anything – pounce on them and offer your services. Over time you will gain their trust and become an appreciated appendix to their guild. A member without a tag, if you will.

PART TWO – Applying to your chosen guild!

When writing your apply, think carefully. You want them to know that you will give the guild your undivided attention. Inform them of your impeccable service record with other guilds, impress them with stories of past adventures in Pre-tbc instances such as AQ40 and Naxx. Be aware that MC and BWL don't count because the itemlevel in those instances is too low.

Some of the better guilds wish to enquire about your personal life. This is a trap! Be careful when you answer these questions. You must make the impression that while you lead a perfectly normal life, you aren't bound by any obligations at all. You must be the master of your own time to dedicate yourself fully to raiding and all that comes with it! Think carefully.

I must point out, however, that I've never had to do anything from part one or two. I've usually been asked to join guilds. But my reputation proceeds me, and yours don't.


PART THREE – SOCIAL STANDING

Now that you've been accepted into the best guild on the server, it is time to start climbing the ladder to the top. Ensure that your guild rank is as high as possible. If they won't give you leadership of the guild, complain for a bit and then grudgingly accept the second highest rank. Inform them that it would be best if noone else held the second highest rank at the same time as you. This sends a clear message to everyone else that you are their best and most highly valued player!


PART FOUR – RAIDING AS A WARLOCK

This is going to be the most extensive and informative part of the guide. I will include tips useful to warlocks in general, aswell as more relevant tricks to ensure that you fulfill your role as a primary DPSer.

4:1 – Group composition.

It is important that your group supports you in your role of doing as much damage as possible. Many lesser classes have abilities that can be utilised to improve your own performance. Naturally, exploiting this fact is extremely important to you as a raiding warlock!
Moonkin druids, Shadow priests, Shamans and Paladins are useful assets. Learn to work with these scrubs and you will one day rise to the treasured #1 spot.

4:2 – Addons.
There are many available addons for warlocks these days. However I, Lepakki, only need a few. The most important of these are various types of damage meters. Use as many as possible in order to record various graphs and charts, which can be linked in both whisper, party, raid and most importantly – guild chat to show everyone just how good you are.

Using damage meters takes some skill. If you for some reason die (due to lack of healing) – blame someone and then immediately reset the damage meter since there is a possibility someone else might pass you.

Only take screenshots of boss kills if you are the number one damage dealer, by a large margin. Alternatively you can learn to use paint and creatively impress everyone. If they point out that everyone else's meter was showing different figures – quickly point out that they must be wrong since you are using many different meters and they all had you squarely at the number one spot.

4:3 – Gear.

Gear must at all times be on your mind. It is the key to winning the DPS meter and therefby deserving better gear! Anyone with an itemelevel that is lower than yours is free game for berating comments and arrogant behaviour, a truly satisfying experience!

4:3 – DPS !

This is your only concern! You must have an insane DPS output. It must be higher than everyone else's, all the time! Having the highest DPS output in the best guild on a server makes you the best player. Coupled with the best gear this makes you the role model for everyone on the server!

In order to achieve high DPS output as a warlock you must, in addition to optimizing groups for your own benefit, follow these simple steps.

1.Do NOT move out of the fire. It is a common misconception, and a mistake which many scrubs do. Instead, pay a healer to keep you topped at all times.
2.Curses. Only use doom. Make sure another warlock uses elements instead.
3.Banishes and other forms of CC are a drain on your DPS. Ignore the markings for banish or fear, either assigning a warlock of a lesser guild rank than yours to these duties, or complaining wildly that it is unnessecary to control the mobs in question.
4.See 4:3

PART FIVE – ”WEAK DAMAGE!”

Now that you are an accomplished warlock in the best guild on Ahn'Qiraj, you must spend your time ingame in one of two places. Either by the mailbox, being the player inspected instead of the one hiding inside bank taking notes, or outside of Orgrimmar where people duel. Your primary occupation in either of these locations must be constantly inspecting other players of your class and informing them that their low average itemlevel causes their ”weak damage”. Don't be shy to berate players from other classes too, remember that you are their idol. Your word is gospel and your opinion must not be questioned.

This is your ultimate goal as a warlock in WoW. When you have achieved all of the above and hold the right to loudly exclaim ”WEAK DAMAGE!!” after inspecting another player – you have succeeded. You are the at the pinnacle of where your mmorpg experience will take you and your avatar. You have achieved stardom and your reputation is spotless. You have become Lepakki – warlock extraordinaire!



Edited, Sep 5th 2008 5:42pm by shoarmakip

This is great. I love it when people have a sense of humor.